Thoughts

So, I'm sitting here thinking... but I'm not thinking. I can feel my mind move, but it's not really doing anything at the same time. It's one of those times I hate the most. I can feel something wanting to get out, but I don't know what. Stifled creativity. It wouldn't be so bad if I knew how it wanted to escape.

It's like having something caught in your throat. It's a feeling that sort of presses into the top of your head and around your temples. Your head wants to explode and cave in at the same time. You don't want to sit still, but you don't want to move.

Stuck and confused... mentally constipated. But where does it go? How do you get it out? Is it another symptom of depression? Is it just something that you're stuck with? How do make it stop?

It's really rather irritating. Supposedly this writing should help, but it's not what wants to get out, not at all. It could make you crazy if you let it. So what now? The words aren't flowing like they should, they're just sort of made up as things that come out, slowly and tortured. They don't flow, each has been purposely formed to come out in an attempt to stop this heavy feeling in my head.

The feeling of explosion, of too much creative power stuck, unable to go anywhere. Maybe it's not creativity, maybe *I* just feel stuck. Stuck in the same places as always. Overlooked, forgotten, unneeded. It's depressing isn't it?

Hph

So I should be asleep, but instead I'm awake. Why? Well, for one because I just finished an extremely annoying assignment.

Granted I do have to admit most of it was my own fault... if I'd done the smart thing and read the book sooner, I would have probably gotten this done faster, but as I never read books really anyway... this apparently was the way it had to be. Maybe I learned my lesson, probably not, but you know how that goes.

I don't hate my job, I really rather enjoy it most of the time. Sometimes I just... I don't know. Growing up is hard!

You'd think at 31 I'd be an adult, but really, I feel pretty constantly like a child. Pretty sure it's not because I live with my mother, but rather because I just never feel like I've really grown up. I'm still fumbling around like some kind of child. It's very frustrating.

Words

People are monumentally frustrating. No matter what you do they're in your way, they hurt you. No matter how much you love someone, no matter much they love you... they hurt you. And honestly the more you love someone, the more you hurt them, and the more they hurt you.

It drives you crazy, you want to help, you want to support, you want to GIVE, but it sucks when they won't take from you. No matter how hard you try you can't force someone to accept your help.

You can only take what you can, you can only hope what you can. Being alone sucks really bad. There are days you just want someone to hold you. I don't think I want a lot, but I probably do. I imagine I demand a lot of attention, I need a lot of comforting. But considering the life I've lead, can you really blame me?

My father was an egomaniacal, self serving, lying, abusive asshole. He could say "I love you" but you always got the feeling he didn't mean it. Especially when he'd then spend hours yelling at you for the stupidest thing. And then he would tell you not to cry. He'd ask you what you thought you did wrong, and you'd try to tell him, but he'd tell you you were wrong, then you'd try to tell him what you thought he wanted to hear, and you were still wrong. You couldn't be honest, but you couldn't lie, no matter what you said you were wrong, and if you tried to be quiet? You just got into more trouble. The result is more frustrating that anyone can imagine.

It eats away at you. You begin to believe you can't do anything right, and this then affects how you feel all males view you. I quite literally need constant reassurance from the males in my life. I really do try not to, but hearing it makes me feel better. Though you have the issue that at the same time I can't bring myself to believe them for very long. I don't know what I need to fix this, but it's something that needs to be fixed. No matter what happens, there's not a single man out there that can manage to deal with that need. I'm sure eventually they feel as though their words aren't enough.

I probably just need to seek some therapy.

It's not that I can't be alone. I'm actually very good at being alone. It's as soon as I'm required to rely on a man that things fall apart. Mom talks about being damaged, I'm sure this is part of the same thing. After having dealt with that for so long, is there really anyone out there who wants to put up with it? Probably not, and it's not fair for me to expect them to.

So what can I do? I don't know.

Love

So what does it really mean to love someone? I often wonder any more if the world really knows anything about that anymore. It's Mother's Day so this seems pretty appropriate to discuss.

If there's one thing my mother taught me, is that if you love someone, it's no matter what. There are no conditions to love... you don't love someone 'if they", or "because they", you love them because they are who they are. You accept their faults, you love, not despite them, but because of them.

This isn't the same as staying with an abusive partner, or enabling a drug addict.

As a matter of fact, you remove yourself from the abusive relationship and hope they find help or move on. You support the drug addict through rehab, to help them make their lives better. You help make the lives of the ones you love better, through whatever means you can.

The problem with this, is that it doesn't require the other person to reciprocate... and you often end up in the situation where you love someone, and they don't return it. You can end up giving more than you will ever receive back... at some point you can end up wanting, wishing... standing there with your heart in your hands, offering everything you have, everything you can give to make someone you love happy.

Being used hurts... being unable to give, being unable to help... feeling as though what you have isn't enough, hurts more. Not being able to help those you love, is the most painful thing ever.

There aren't many left in the world willing to love like that. Most people are too worried about what can be done for them, what they're going to get, about their own hearts. It's a scary world any more.

Everyone has problems, and everyone focuses on their own problems (I'm no less guilty of this than anyone else, when I'm hurt and worried I can be a royal selfish annoying mean witch with a capital B... something I'm working on, but trust me, any progress is slow and I still manage to hurt people far more often than I want to), but it is something we all need to work on... setting aside our own problems, understanding the needs of others, and trusting they'll come back and help you after they're better.


Love sucks, love is work, but generally it's worth it. All you need is love... if both sides are willing to give it and receive it.

Post one

Well, I've thought about blogging before... but I've never actually done it. I mean, after all do I really have thoughts worth typing out? Is anyone actually going to be interested? I don't know.

I know most people think like that... "is (insert whatever about person) good enough to actually share with everyone else?" Sad thing is we never know until we try. Trying, however, is the hard part.

Stream of consciousness typing probably seems easy, but you're never sure where it will go, and then are you sure you really want to share? Sharing one on one is hard enough for some people, but to share with everyone? It's a difficult thought. How much do you share, do you use the assumed anonymity of the internet to share more than you really would? Or do you keep with the same shallow front you put up on Facebook?

Granted, this often depends on if you really think someone will actually read it. With all the hundreds of thousands of millions of blogs out there, how likely is it someone will actually pause to read this single one? I imagine the number would be more than I would think (there are a lot of people with nothing better to do out there after all), but at the same time, no one of interest or value is likely to read this... or are they?

You can share it with all your friends... but how do you maintain the separation of it versus your thoughts? Is it easier to maintain the free flow of thoughts and emotions knowing your friends/those you know are not directly exposed to it, or do you put out there and hope whatever you say is received with an open mind and heart?

These are serious questions... and if I decide to post more, I may think about. For now, it's more an experiment...