I know it's an amazingly cheery attitude to have... but it's how I feel more often than not. Especially after the last two weeks.
First I have a surgery to try to fix my supra ventricular tachycardia. The doctor is either flat out amazing or an absolutely amazing asshole. I tried to have a cardiac ablation, where first they map the electrical pathways in the heart, and then try to burn or really just kill the cells causing the issue. Now, from what you see on the internet, the mapping itself could take between 2 and 6 hours... if they find the place right away, then the surgery itself could be 4 hours but could last up to 8... I was in an hour and a half.
So I don't know if the guy gave up or what, but I then spent the better part of a week recovering from surgery that didn't even do what I wanted it to do. Then the doctors basically just like "couldn't find it, here's some drugs, you might have to keep trying different drugs."
Now I don't really like drugs, I can barely remember to take the ones I'm supposed to take now. To just add more like it's nothing... just seriously makes me angry. Of course I'm going to review the records with my doctor and see about doing it again... but it still makes me angry.
Then of course I saw the rheumatologist, and I've now been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Which sort of isn't too big a surprise, and is a bit of a relief... I've ached for years. Most of my life I've had ache and pains and hurt in many ways... it's nice to know there's a reason.
Of course this comes with a bit of social anxiety, not that I really needed more. I'm not planning to rub it in the world's face, but those that do find out... there are any number of people who really use this somewhat difficult to diagnose disease to get away with shit... I don't really want people to think I'm one of them. I work through a great deal of pain on a daily basis, but even I get weak and fall sometimes, need a rest... but I try hard to work through all my problem.
I have a lot of problems in my life... some of them I bring on myself... some of them are my fault. On the plus side, I know now some of the things I've ruined where slightly less than consciously, doesn't make it better, but I know now why some things happen... it gives me the ability to work harder in the future.
I still hate people... but I love those friends who have stood by me, who have dealt with my tantrums, and remained by my side through it all, forgiven me for so much. I look forward to getting myself into a place I can be the person I know I am.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Life
So, we all have our problems in life... some worse than others, and of course when someone comes to us with a problem, all many of us can do is compare them to where we are in our own lives.
The issue with this is... while we may be okay with where we are, while we may feel strong in our position, and on outside observation where we are may be worse than where the other person is... telling someone how much worse you have/had it really does no good. In the end every person has to deal with where they are... not where you are.
When trying to help someone in the situation they're in, it does no good to tell them about people who have it worse, you can't degrade the way they feel. Yes, you may think you're providing examples that should uplift them, but in the end they have to deal with their lives, and their abilities may be less than the other comparisons you're drawing.
To make someone feel better, you first have to understand there's nothing wrong with how they feel in the first place, even if it might seem like an overreaction to a situation that yourself or someone else would handle with more grace and ease. The strength to handle such things doesn't happen all at once, it takes time, and they may have just been lucky and never had to accrue such strength in their life.
We can all hope we don't need the strength to do such things... but when you get there, don't forget the battle you fought, and help people understand they can too... not because where you are is worse, but because whatever is happening in their life will end, and the too will have the strength.
The issue with this is... while we may be okay with where we are, while we may feel strong in our position, and on outside observation where we are may be worse than where the other person is... telling someone how much worse you have/had it really does no good. In the end every person has to deal with where they are... not where you are.
When trying to help someone in the situation they're in, it does no good to tell them about people who have it worse, you can't degrade the way they feel. Yes, you may think you're providing examples that should uplift them, but in the end they have to deal with their lives, and their abilities may be less than the other comparisons you're drawing.
To make someone feel better, you first have to understand there's nothing wrong with how they feel in the first place, even if it might seem like an overreaction to a situation that yourself or someone else would handle with more grace and ease. The strength to handle such things doesn't happen all at once, it takes time, and they may have just been lucky and never had to accrue such strength in their life.
We can all hope we don't need the strength to do such things... but when you get there, don't forget the battle you fought, and help people understand they can too... not because where you are is worse, but because whatever is happening in their life will end, and the too will have the strength.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Perception
So... reality is perception. What do you do when someone's perception differs from your own?
If you know you're somewhere but someone never sees you there, then are you there? At what point do you allow other people's perceptions to change your own? Or do you try to change theirs? Of course there's a major issue in that people don't like to tell they're wrong... less so when you just say it instead of making it sound pretty for them.
God knows my ability to put things in a language that people won't rile to isn't exactly the best, but at the same time, I also know if things aren't discussed, problems don't get fixed. I may disagree with a person, but that doesn't change the person I think they are... I can disagree with someone without losing respect for them or caring for them less, but I think people get far too attached to their ideas.
I don't know... it just seems like a good idea to understand other people's positions, for one it can give you more information and insight into your own points of view, but so few people really seem willing to respectfully discuss their opinions. It's like to so many that just because you disagree that you must need to be enemies... I'm not sure why people can't come together on things...
If you know you're somewhere but someone never sees you there, then are you there? At what point do you allow other people's perceptions to change your own? Or do you try to change theirs? Of course there's a major issue in that people don't like to tell they're wrong... less so when you just say it instead of making it sound pretty for them.
God knows my ability to put things in a language that people won't rile to isn't exactly the best, but at the same time, I also know if things aren't discussed, problems don't get fixed. I may disagree with a person, but that doesn't change the person I think they are... I can disagree with someone without losing respect for them or caring for them less, but I think people get far too attached to their ideas.
I don't know... it just seems like a good idea to understand other people's positions, for one it can give you more information and insight into your own points of view, but so few people really seem willing to respectfully discuss their opinions. It's like to so many that just because you disagree that you must need to be enemies... I'm not sure why people can't come together on things...
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Ramble
More work... I really should be doing my homework, but stress is killing my desire to do anything, even just think. Long vacation and I'm still exhausted... of course then I bought an event ticket and I'm going to have to stay up all weekend instead of getting the sleep I missed! I guess I'll just have to go to bed extra early the next night or two. I pass right out when I get there anyway.
Of course I still have yet to properly unpack, nothing new there, I really sorta suck at unpacking. If unpacking was left to me, whatever was packed would remain in the bag/box until it was needed! But I can be remarkably lazy.
I'm a terrible house cleaner, but I try to compensate for it by placing things in spots where they are convenient... trash can next to my chair, where I spend the most time... everything I use for makeup in a bag so I can empty it out and put it all back in... it's one of those things. If I know I'm going to be lazy... I take the steps to enable myself! haha.
Of course right now... so much coming up, so much to do... I'm terrified. I'm scared and worried to the point even the simplest things feel like too much. Sitting at work and I'm staring at an application with missing pieces... and I just... it seems like too much. That blank spot on the application feels like it's going to collapse on me, swallow me whole... where normally it's just another small irritant.
Of course then you have therapy... retail in this case. Getting sunburned I knew I needed something to help scrub the dead skin from me, and something to replace the moisture, and then these things were buy two get one free... so I got myself a body scrub!
Of course then I walk out of the store... and one of those Dead Sea places has set up... so I casually wander by... and the gal running it pulls me aside, and spreads this face stuff on my arm... well, she's explaining it's made with magnesium, and then asks me to guess how she's going to get it off... and if I get it right, I get a free one...
Well. It does look very powdery... so I guess... she's going to blow on it... and she says no... so there's a squirt bottle on the kiosk... so I say... spray me with water... she says... no...
Well at this point the game's no longer fun and I know I don't know. So I say... stare on it... of course she says no at that point and laughs. She pulls a magnet out of the cap, covers it with a paper towel and the stuff wipes off with the magnet...
So as she's doing this I realize my arms is starting to itch and irritate a little... so I ask her "So is this good on sensitive skin?" and of course she says she's never gotten any complaints, even from people who say they're allergic to everything...
Now a lot of people *say* they're a allergic to everything... I just about am. I can't even use some of the free and clear brands of laundry detergent. So I tell her... it's kinda irritating me... and I could see where it was coming up red a bit on my arm.
She looked completely baffled... naturally, in my family, if a product is going to cause an issue, it's going to be with one of us. So she tried a different scrub on my other wrist... now this one I actually found impressive... but at $99 for the scrub and the moisturizer? I couldn't do it... at this point... she says... you know, I've met my quota... so I can let you have it for $49 each... and I'm like... welllll... okay. So now I have these to try.
And of course... I'm already in the mall... so why not go look in my favorite local plus sized store? Of course I manage to find 4 nice tops... and you know, they're buy one get one half off! So yeah... Makes me feel a little better for a bit.
Of course, then you have... well... the bills that come afterwards. Of course those make me nervous again... I can see how shopaholics happen... but not this girl. No more shopping until POST SURGERY!... two weeks... ugh.
Of course I still have yet to properly unpack, nothing new there, I really sorta suck at unpacking. If unpacking was left to me, whatever was packed would remain in the bag/box until it was needed! But I can be remarkably lazy.
I'm a terrible house cleaner, but I try to compensate for it by placing things in spots where they are convenient... trash can next to my chair, where I spend the most time... everything I use for makeup in a bag so I can empty it out and put it all back in... it's one of those things. If I know I'm going to be lazy... I take the steps to enable myself! haha.
Of course right now... so much coming up, so much to do... I'm terrified. I'm scared and worried to the point even the simplest things feel like too much. Sitting at work and I'm staring at an application with missing pieces... and I just... it seems like too much. That blank spot on the application feels like it's going to collapse on me, swallow me whole... where normally it's just another small irritant.
Of course then you have therapy... retail in this case. Getting sunburned I knew I needed something to help scrub the dead skin from me, and something to replace the moisture, and then these things were buy two get one free... so I got myself a body scrub!
Of course then I walk out of the store... and one of those Dead Sea places has set up... so I casually wander by... and the gal running it pulls me aside, and spreads this face stuff on my arm... well, she's explaining it's made with magnesium, and then asks me to guess how she's going to get it off... and if I get it right, I get a free one...
Well. It does look very powdery... so I guess... she's going to blow on it... and she says no... so there's a squirt bottle on the kiosk... so I say... spray me with water... she says... no...
Well at this point the game's no longer fun and I know I don't know. So I say... stare on it... of course she says no at that point and laughs. She pulls a magnet out of the cap, covers it with a paper towel and the stuff wipes off with the magnet...
So as she's doing this I realize my arms is starting to itch and irritate a little... so I ask her "So is this good on sensitive skin?" and of course she says she's never gotten any complaints, even from people who say they're allergic to everything...
Now a lot of people *say* they're a allergic to everything... I just about am. I can't even use some of the free and clear brands of laundry detergent. So I tell her... it's kinda irritating me... and I could see where it was coming up red a bit on my arm.
She looked completely baffled... naturally, in my family, if a product is going to cause an issue, it's going to be with one of us. So she tried a different scrub on my other wrist... now this one I actually found impressive... but at $99 for the scrub and the moisturizer? I couldn't do it... at this point... she says... you know, I've met my quota... so I can let you have it for $49 each... and I'm like... welllll... okay. So now I have these to try.
And of course... I'm already in the mall... so why not go look in my favorite local plus sized store? Of course I manage to find 4 nice tops... and you know, they're buy one get one half off! So yeah... Makes me feel a little better for a bit.
Of course, then you have... well... the bills that come afterwards. Of course those make me nervous again... I can see how shopaholics happen... but not this girl. No more shopping until POST SURGERY!... two weeks... ugh.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Insert Title
I hate titling things. Thinking up a title for things is usually the hardest part of anything in my mind. Actually naming things in general is one of the more difficult things in my life, but you know, it has to be done. Naming pets can be terribly frustrating. Of course my Sophie was easy, she was Sophie before I even got her... thanks to childhood memories.
I'd pay money if I could find The Chipmunk Adventure on DVD, and I don't mean that new movie with all the computer graphics.
So to the left you see an image of Sophie from the Chipmunk Adventure. She was the bad guy's dog... belonging to the sister. Your typical spoiled purse dog. A cute innocent face with a slightly evil streak. Almost the perfect Yorkie. Yorkies are definitely sweet, loving, adorable pets, however they definitely have a mischievous streak a mile wide. I know a lot of people in this world tend to believe small dogs are nothing but stupid yappy furry footballs waiting to be punted... and I'll be honest, a good number of them are raised that way. But a good Yorkie is a sweet companion, a little clown in a fur coat that loves to make you laugh and make your life just that much more adorable. There are few things in this life that really make me feel better than to see those beautiful brown eyes staring up at me after a long day. No matter how annoyed I may be at the rest of the world, she can always make me laugh.
To the right you see a short animated gif from the movie... right before one of my favorite parts. Namely where the dog reaches out and pop's the fellow who's splashing her's floatation device and sends him flying across the pool in your typical cartoon style.
Of course this is nothing like my Sophie. My little one loves the water, she loves the snow, and I think she may even love the wind. Weather, water, cold do not bother her in the least bit. Which is funny in the middle of winter and you have a pair of much larger dogs who refuse to go out, while the tiny one stands in snow quite nearly taller than she is, hopping around like a tiny rabbit, wondering why they won't come out and play.
And then you have my little Sophie. It's an older picture of her, but I haven't gotten around to emptying my camera lately. She's a silly little thing, but honestly she's one of the best things in my life. Nothing in this world will love you like your dog will, for the fraction of the energy. She is one thing I can always count on, day in and day out, she'll be there for me, no matter how bad I may have been the day before, no matter how grumpy or how I stomped around, yelled, cried, or even took a little anger out by snapping a little more loudly than she deserved when she was playing too loud. You can always count on your dog.
Hopefully before too long I'll be able to add a little brother to her family, I'm hoping for a parti colored blond and white male... but we'll see. With luck the breeder my friend was talking to will contact me and let me know her female she's supposed to be breeding is pregnant and I'll have first pick of the puppies. I'm really pretty excited about that... the dream is to someday have a good breeding pair and sell puppies to other deserving owners every few years. Everyone who has the time, money and desire should be able to own one of these little darlings.
I'd pay money if I could find The Chipmunk Adventure on DVD, and I don't mean that new movie with all the computer graphics.
To the right you see a short animated gif from the movie... right before one of my favorite parts. Namely where the dog reaches out and pop's the fellow who's splashing her's floatation device and sends him flying across the pool in your typical cartoon style.
Of course this is nothing like my Sophie. My little one loves the water, she loves the snow, and I think she may even love the wind. Weather, water, cold do not bother her in the least bit. Which is funny in the middle of winter and you have a pair of much larger dogs who refuse to go out, while the tiny one stands in snow quite nearly taller than she is, hopping around like a tiny rabbit, wondering why they won't come out and play.
Hopefully before too long I'll be able to add a little brother to her family, I'm hoping for a parti colored blond and white male... but we'll see. With luck the breeder my friend was talking to will contact me and let me know her female she's supposed to be breeding is pregnant and I'll have first pick of the puppies. I'm really pretty excited about that... the dream is to someday have a good breeding pair and sell puppies to other deserving owners every few years. Everyone who has the time, money and desire should be able to own one of these little darlings.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)