Life sucks and I hate people

I know it's an amazingly cheery attitude to have... but it's how I feel more often than not. Especially after the last two weeks.

First I have a surgery to try to fix my supra ventricular tachycardia. The doctor is either flat out amazing or an absolutely amazing asshole. I tried to have a cardiac ablation, where first they map the electrical pathways in the heart, and then try to burn or really just kill the cells causing the issue.  Now, from what you see on the internet, the mapping itself could take between 2 and 6 hours... if they find the place right away, then the surgery itself could be 4 hours but could last up to 8... I was in an hour and a half.

So I don't know if the guy gave up or what, but I then spent the better part of a week recovering from surgery that didn't even do what I wanted it to do. Then the doctors basically just like "couldn't find it, here's some drugs, you might have to keep trying different drugs."

Now I don't really like drugs, I can barely remember to take the ones I'm supposed to take now. To just add more like it's nothing... just seriously makes me angry. Of course I'm going to review the records with my doctor and see about doing it again... but it still makes me angry.

Then of course I saw the rheumatologist, and I've now been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Which sort of isn't too big a surprise, and is a bit of a relief... I've ached for years. Most of my life I've had ache and pains and hurt in many ways... it's nice to know there's a reason.

Of course this comes with a bit of social anxiety, not that I really needed more. I'm not planning to rub it in the world's face, but those that do find out... there are any number of people who really use this somewhat difficult to diagnose disease to get away with shit... I don't really want people to think I'm one of them. I work through a great deal of pain on a daily basis, but even I get weak and fall sometimes, need a rest... but I try hard to work through all my problem.

I have a lot of problems in my life... some of them I bring on myself... some of them are my fault. On the plus side, I know now some of the things I've ruined where slightly less than consciously, doesn't make it better, but I know now why some things happen... it gives me the ability to work harder in the future.

I still hate people... but I love those friends who have stood by me, who have dealt with my tantrums, and remained by my side through it all, forgiven me for so much. I look forward to getting myself into a place I can be the person I know I am.