Words

People are monumentally frustrating. No matter what you do they're in your way, they hurt you. No matter how much you love someone, no matter much they love you... they hurt you. And honestly the more you love someone, the more you hurt them, and the more they hurt you.

It drives you crazy, you want to help, you want to support, you want to GIVE, but it sucks when they won't take from you. No matter how hard you try you can't force someone to accept your help.

You can only take what you can, you can only hope what you can. Being alone sucks really bad. There are days you just want someone to hold you. I don't think I want a lot, but I probably do. I imagine I demand a lot of attention, I need a lot of comforting. But considering the life I've lead, can you really blame me?

My father was an egomaniacal, self serving, lying, abusive asshole. He could say "I love you" but you always got the feeling he didn't mean it. Especially when he'd then spend hours yelling at you for the stupidest thing. And then he would tell you not to cry. He'd ask you what you thought you did wrong, and you'd try to tell him, but he'd tell you you were wrong, then you'd try to tell him what you thought he wanted to hear, and you were still wrong. You couldn't be honest, but you couldn't lie, no matter what you said you were wrong, and if you tried to be quiet? You just got into more trouble. The result is more frustrating that anyone can imagine.

It eats away at you. You begin to believe you can't do anything right, and this then affects how you feel all males view you. I quite literally need constant reassurance from the males in my life. I really do try not to, but hearing it makes me feel better. Though you have the issue that at the same time I can't bring myself to believe them for very long. I don't know what I need to fix this, but it's something that needs to be fixed. No matter what happens, there's not a single man out there that can manage to deal with that need. I'm sure eventually they feel as though their words aren't enough.

I probably just need to seek some therapy.

It's not that I can't be alone. I'm actually very good at being alone. It's as soon as I'm required to rely on a man that things fall apart. Mom talks about being damaged, I'm sure this is part of the same thing. After having dealt with that for so long, is there really anyone out there who wants to put up with it? Probably not, and it's not fair for me to expect them to.

So what can I do? I don't know.